Get a JOB

I know I do this whole song and dance in my bio about how wonderful my husband is for letting me stay home with our son.  Well, I lied.

Yes, yes, I know.  I get to stay at home, but it's not without a fair share of bitching and complaining.  Especially when Davey gets home and the house is a wreck.  No vacuuming, no dusting, no dishes done, no dinner, etc.  Whatever.  Maddox and I have been playing all day.  These freaking choo choo trains don't conduct themselves you know.

So, I decide that since Madd Dog is going to preschool in the fall (only for 2 mornings a week) I'll apply for a part-time job.  Better yet, I'll apply for a part-time job at his preschool!  What an awesome idea!  That way, I can make sure that all the teachers are nice to him and that if any crazy shit goes down, I'll be there.  There's a lot of horror stories about people walking into schools, churches, Toys R Us, etc. and just shooting up the place.  You've never seen an ass whooping like the one I will hand out if that goes down near my kid.  More about my ass kicking skills later...

The point is that I applied for an open teaching position at his preschool.  Am I qualified?  Ummm, if you consider taking a toddler to the pool on a daily basis, making play-doh pancakes, and watching Yo Gabba Gabba good experience, then you will find no one better than I.

What do you know...I actually land an interview for a teaching position. So, I put on a pair of suit pants, a nice shirt, cute little peep-toe shoes and I'm out the door!  With my 5 years of publishing sales experience, I'm a shoo-in, don't ya think? I'm a little nervous since I haven't been on an interview in years but I figure the nice little church lady from the preschool will go easy on me.

She asks pretty standard questions:  Why do you want this job? My husband says I need one if I ever want to get another pedicure. What makes you stand out from all the other candidates? Yeah, that would probably be the fact that I have NO TEACHING EXPERIENCE. What do you think a day in a classroom is like? Probably insane because it's a bunch of toddlers running around and I know that sometimes just my one lonely little toddler at home is enough to make me want to join the nut house.

No, those weren't my actual answers.  I was very prepared and I really thought I made a good impression.  the little church lady smiled and nodded at me when I was answering.  Good sign, right?

At the end of the interview, she asks me if I have any questions.

"Yes, ma'am, I have one. How exactly are the children disciplined?  I know we spoke of the creative curriculum (no freakin' clue what that means) and how it fosters growth and development, but I know that sometimes 2 -year olds can get a little out of control and I was just wondering how that was handled. In my house we do a "cool off" when Maddox gets rambunctious."  (Lie.  It's definitely a time-out.  I don't spank, but dammit, I'm not going to sugar coat it when he's in trouble. I'm not raising a criminal, people. But I figured I better tone it down for the church ladies).

She gives me this big lecture about how discipline has the root word "disciple" which means "to teach".  Yes, I know that thank you.  She says that since they are church based, they use bad behavior as a "teachable moment" and that as long as they give the children the right words to use so that they don't become frustrated by not being able to communicate effectively............what???  I want to know what happens when one kid bites a chunk out of another kids arm because he doesn't want to share his blocks.  You know what I'm saying?

Again, I bring up the idea of a "cool-off" except this time I call it what it is. A freaking time out.  What happens when the 2 or 3 year old cannot be reasoned with, as so very many (EVERY SINGLE ONE) cannot be.  She makes sure to tell me that they NEVER use the words "time out".  (Such harsh words, aren't they?)  But they do have a little "quiet nook" where the kids can go whenever they are feeling overwhelmed with a situation.  It's a place where they know they are safe and can just sit quietly without anyone bothering them.

"Oh!"  I pipe up.  "That's actually a great idea.  Kind of like a dog going into it's crate, right?"


Ask me if I got the job.


No.

The Potty

Here we go....

So my son Maddox just turned 2 on July 8th.  Of course it's a huge milestone...as is every other day of his life, according to me...but does that mean that all of the sudden he has to grow up?

Does he really have to stop taking a bottle in the morning? So what if it could cause his teeth to rot out?  They're baby teeth. They fall out anyway, right?

Does he really have to give up his beloved pacifier? Who cares if he's the only kid in preschool still sucking on his "ninny".  Not me.

Does he really have to learn that he can't poop and pee in his pants for the rest of his life and expect me to come running and happily sing songs about how much poopy diapers stink?  I mean, do I want to have a mild panic attack whenever he says he has to "go" and we aren't in the vicinity of a bathroom? No.  Do I want to carry around a portable potty so that he can poop in our car in case of an emergency? Hell no.

According to his pediatrician, yes to all of the above.  My answer to that....whateva.

So it starts.  We talk about poop and pee all day long.  Maddox follows me into the bathroom to watch me. And also to unravel the toilet paper.  Every time he goes in his diaper I say, "Oh wouldn't you rather use the big boy potty so that you can wear big boy underwear?"  His answer is to reach down and try to stick his finger in his butt hole. Awesome.

I talked to my husband about his whole potty training business and we decide to buy Madd a little Elmo potty, which he promptly stores all of his cars and trucks in.  A sure sign of readiness, no?

My approach is to make going to the potty sound exciting.  Inviting even.  "Whoo hoo!  Don't you love how mommy uses the potty like a big girl?  Look how fun it is to flush! You can have all the toilet paper you want if you use the potty! See daddy potty?  Daddy's a big boy. Do you want to be like daddy?"  You get the point.

My husband has a different approach.  The other day he and Maddox are playing and I'm on the computer.  The conversation goes like this:

Davey (my husband):  Maddox, no one likes to walk around with poop caked on their "C & B's".

Me:  Davey, why would you say something like that to him?

Davey:  What?  I'm potty training him.


Someone help.